Vacation Vixen: Helen Mirren

God save the queen.

Vacation Vixen: Mary-Louise Parker

Something wicked this way comes.

Vacation Vixen: Mmm, Padma, mmm

Dinner is served.

[Follow my live Twitter of the episode @dorothysnarker]

Vacation Vixen: Michelle Obama

Our First Lady is hotter than your first lady. Suck it, France.

Vacation Vixen: Kate Winslet

Yeah, do me on it.

Pre-L: Long Night's Journey Into Day

L601: “ Long Night's Journey Into Day”
Oh...so that's why they say you should always wait an hour after eating to get in the pool. Yes, this is it. The beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. A quick reminder for the uninitiated. Pre-Ls are pre-caps for each new “The L Word” episode, posted early Saturday morning. They are spoilery. So, if you want to wait all the way until Sunday night then, you know, shoo. Otherwise, you can click any or all of the shots to enlarge. And with that, let's jump into the deep end, shall we?

1) Did Xena just hit on TiBette? Commence threesome femslash.2) Don't mind us. We're just going to wheel this dead body through your living room... Is that your baby? She's adorable. Can I hold her? This thing will keep.3) Shane McCutcheon: fastest hairstylist in the West.4) Shit, did I get sucked into an argument about cheating again?5) Nothing says “I'm sorry I fucked your girlfriend" like jazz hands.6) If you look closely enough, you can see the demon, the minor demon, that lives inside Jenny's head.7) Wait, are you saying the internet is bad for your relationship? This explains a lot.8) It took 16 minutes to get to girls kissing. Someone needs to get fired.9) And now this meeting of Cheaters Anonymous will call to order.10) All the dialogue they give me for the whole damn year could fit between here.11) Since when did The Fonz have such bad timing?12) Bette vs. the Digital Thermometer is better than Frazier vs. Ali.13) Seriously, who answers the door in a bra? Cover up woman.14) “Flowers in the Attic” meet “Crazy in the Jenny.”15) Don't make Bette angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.16) Xena was right, they are a beautiful family.17) No hat, Papi? Just when you think you know someone.18) Thank God, someone finally shut her up.19) Since when did Helena become a badass?20) Who wants in on the “How long can Bette stay faithful?” pool?21) Public Service for Frat Boys Everywhere: The 43:31 mark.22) If she gets any more adorkable I may explode.23) If she gets any hotter I will explode.24) Fighting for Jenny to the death would make me queasy, too.25) Sorry, but the showmance has gone out of our relationship.26) Forgive......or forget?
New Guestbian Count: 0 Sgt. MaryBeth Duffy (Lucy fucking Lawless, y'all)
Best Line: “I know how hard it is for you to cover up the panic that you feel inside.” – Tina to Bette
Worst Clintonian Parsing of Sex: “Jenny, she only ate me out.” – Niki to Jenny about her hook up with Shane
Best Just Because You're In A Rant Doesn't Mean You Can't Be Polite: “This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on every street corner. She was born in this fucking hospital and both our names are on the fucking birth certificate. So why don't you just give us a fucking break you bureaucratic maggot and get our daughter to see a goddamn doctor. Please.” – Bette to a bureaucratic maggot
Only Response When Confronted With Crazy Jenny: “Fuck.” – Shane

My Weekend Crush

Few shows make me bitch and whine and moan (both the good and bad ways) as much as “The L Word.” Yet still I watch. Few shows punish me with such whiplash-inducing personality changes and bordering-on-incoherent storylines as much as “The L Word.” Yet still I watch. Few shows have the audacity to take their plots to places their loyal viewers never (the death of Dana), ever (creepy Mark and his even creepier cameras), ever (my ears, my ears, make Betty stop!) wanted or deserved to see. Yet still I watch.

I watch because, well, it’s not like I have a lot of other hour-long weekly lesbians dramas clogging up my DVR. Though, really, I watch because seeing our lives reflected on screen is important. Granted, these lives are much more glorified and glamorous than most of our everyday existences. But still here are women loving other women for all to see. Here are women talking about their attraction to other women for all to see. Here are women fucking other women for all to see. It’s kind of fantastic, especially the fucking part.

My problems with “The L Word” have always been about its scope. For me, it is more than enough to see a well-written, smartly-acted series about lesbians and their lives. But for Mama Chaiken, the show has too often turned into a vehicle for Ilene’s Grand Commentary on Grand Issues (or IGCGI for short – oh look, a palindrome). Still the scenes we remember the most, the ones that make us smile even years later are those simple interactions between friends. The pure joy of the gals singing “Closer to Fine” on their Dinah Shore trip. The hilarity of the epic lesbian conference call. The flat-out awesome of the mission to ascertain the disposition of one Ms. Lara Perkins.

These moments want nothing more than to show women, lesbian women, being lesbian women together. And, in the end, that’s why I watch. That is why I have always watched and will be watching Sunday. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. For more on the highs, lows and WTFIlenes of the first five season, check out Riese's and my thoughts in Time Out New York.

p.p.s. I’ll be back with full posts after my vacation on Jan. 26. Until then, please enjoy the Saturday Pre-Ls and daily Vacation Vixens. And you can always listen to me tweet @dorothysnarker.