My Weekend Crush

I first saw Tilda Swinton 15 years ago. Sitting in a dark lecture hall that doubled as an independent film theater, I watched the surreal cross-dressing dream that was “Orlando” unfurl before my eyes. It was strange and beautiful and fascinating and confusing. Just like Tilda. In fact, that role typifies Tilda’s avant-garde, gender-bending, defiantly-unconventional career. From her lesbian turn in “Female Perversions” to her raw physicality of “Young Adam,” her movies aren’t always easy to watch. Yet it is nearly impossible to take your eyes off her. Perhaps a recent headline from the U.K. paper The Times put it best: “Why Tilda Swinton is pale and interesting.” She has a strikingly intense beauty that quashes the easy accessibility of prettiness. Her angular, avian features belie a ferociousness that simmers just underneath the surface. It made her the perfect White Witch. And while that role introduced her to a lager mainstream audience, those who first saw her 15 years ago, like me, have known all along. She is strange and beautiful and fascinating and confusing. And just try to take your eyes off her. Happy weekend, all.

Clearly, I watch too much TV

Well, premiere week is over and most of the new and returning shows have had their chance to wow us. So, how wowed do you feel? After carefully planning out my new fall viewing schedule, it’s time to take stock. I think it’s probably too soon to dump anything outright. OK, not true. I never started watching “Chuck” and I decided against “Life”* -- with my apologies to Sarah Shahi. But let’s roll up our sleeves and look at the rest, shall we?

TUESDAY

“Bones”/“House” -- Like fine wine, I think they both are getting better with age. I wasn’t wild about the latter’s cop with a grudge/House with an addiction storyline last year. But giving House more doctors to torture is a stroke of pure genius. Oh, and it looks like a few of them will be sticking around for good.

WEDNESDAY

“Pushing Daisies” -- Cute, though possibly too cute. Now I’m a big fan of whimsy, but it’s always better when balanced out with a little snark. Really, everything is better with a little snark. But then, I would think that wouldn’t I? Though, you know what bothers me the most about this show? His dog. There is no way he could not have touched his dog, even by accident, in 19 years. At some point, that dog would have walked, run, jumped, nudged, bumped, crawled or snuggled up to him and then poor poochie would have been dearly departed again. So, yeah, that bothered me. Yes, I realize my insistence on realism is ridiculous since I’ve already totally accepted the premise that a man can bring things back from the dead with one touch, only to kill them again with a second touch. I remain, as ever, consistently inconsistent.

“Bionic Woman” -- Oy. The first episode was promising, but flawed. The second episode was bad, just bad. Never underestimate the importance of a charismatic lead. And also never underestimate the audience’s appetite for an ass-kicking villain. This show needs more Katee Sackhoff and more interesting acting by Michelle Ryan. Preferably together. I can’t be the only one who thought the chemistry between the two of them was, uh, bionic. Oh, and lose Isaiah Washington.

THURSDAY

“Ugly Betty” -- It hurts me to say this, but the first two episodes have felt, well, off. It’s almost like they hired a new writing staff over the summer and the newbies haven’t mastered the fine art of snark. Too little Marc and Amanda. Too much after-school special sentimentality. It’s not a good sign that I can’t recall one quotable quip. Not one. This makes me sad. Hopefully, they’re just rusty. I still love all things America, though. No one falls down, runs into things or knocks over a tray of bagels like that gal.

“30 Rock” -- I’m thisclose to building a shrine to Tina Fey and praying to it for comedy inspiration. I am in no way kidding.

* UPDATE: OK, OK. You’ve convinced me. I’ll give “Life” another shot. In my defense, I watched the first episode and recorded the second, but it got bumped because of space issues. So, I had intended to keep watching. I’ll catch up online. You people are so demanding. My main problem with the show is the main character, Charlie. His quirks in the pilot were just so, quirky. He reminded me of a mix of Vincent D’Onofrio from “L&O:CI,” David Carradine from “Kung Fu” and Rain Man. Sarah, on the other hand, rocked. Like, hard. And I just saw this still from an upcoming episode. Butch Carmen = Hot Damn. Color me convinced.

Tina Fey likes us, she really likes us

OH MY GOD! Tina Fey mentioned AfterEllen.com on Conan O’Brien last night! That’s so fucking awesome, I’m going to have to repeat it: Tina Fey mentioned AfterEllen.com on Conan O’Brien last night! Fucking-A! OK, OK, I’ve composed myself. Sort of. Fine, not at all. But I will fake it, for Tina’s sake.

So, Tina was on Conan last night to promote today’s premiere of “30 Rock,” which we are all going to watch, right? Right! First of all, she looked amazing. She was in a little black dress with some cleavagy action going on. Rawwr. She talked about how nervous she was about getting dressed for the Emmys and how “You can’t compete with the beautiful orange ladies of Los Angeles.” And then she mentioned how her parents have her on Google Alert and a couple months ago her dad called her all excited:

“Great news, you are no. 7 on the lesbian crushes on AfterEllen.com.”

As if I didn’t love her enough before, now they’re going to have to invent an entirely new level of adoration. Seriously, “crush” does not even come close. Also, I think I might love her dad, too. How cute. The whole interview was classic Tina. Her impression of the Emmy red carpet interviewers was hilarious: “So, Third Rock is good. You and Alex Baldrick are wonderful.”

She also talked about her cover girl status on Geek magazine, which, really, is a match made in heaven. And as if to cement her status, she said how big a “Star Wars” fan she was.

“I’m not going to brag, but I had the 24-inch Millennium Falcon, as a kid. The full Falcon. You know, and I didn’t go on a lot of dates and stuff. So I had to stay home and make sure the Falcon stayed pristine and the action figures were well cared for.”

Of course, Princess Leia was her favorite character. She even got Carrie Fisher to guest star this season and she actually got her to say: “Help me Liz Lemon, you’re my only hope.” To which Tina said, “I can die now.” No kidding, so can I.
p.s. Click on any of the images to enlarge the Tina Fey goodness, particularly that last one. Tell me if you notice anything, say, right in the center of the photograph. Look carefully. Hello.
p.p.s. The night’s musical guest was Ani DiFranco, so it was practically the best late-night guest slate in the history of ever.
p.p.p.s. As soon as the episode is available, I’ll upload it for your viewing pleasure.

UPDATE: Here is is. See what I was saying about the dress. Nice.

Nothing compares 2 her

So, Sinéad O'Connor will be on Oprah today to talk about her battle with bipolar disorder (hat tip, Sangmo). Oprah and Sinéad? That’s such a strange combination, I’m having a hard time even envisioning it. I ruminate more on the strange and wonderful creature that is Sinéad over at AfterEllen today. But I didn’t get a chance to share this video I dug up of her performing Cole Porter’s “You Do Something To Me” for the 1990 AIDS benefit album “Red Hot + Blue.” I distinctly remember watching the TV special and loving Sinead’s sexy, surreal take on the number so much that I taped it. Yes, back in the days before MP3s and CD-RWs and Google and YouTube, I held my little Panasonic tape player up to the TV, put in a fresh blank tape and pressed record. I bet I could still find that tape somewhere, if I looked hard enough. Good thing I don’t have to. Enjoy.

Be be your L

Oh, man. Just when I think I’ve gained some healthy distance from the love/hate insanity that is “The L Word.” Just when I think I’m able to see it for what it is. Just when I think I can lead a normal life. Well, then Showtime has to go and show me this. And now, damn it all, I can’t wait until January. I can’t help it. It’s like a drug. I know it’s bad for me but I MUST HAVE IT. OK, control yourself, woman. Get a grip. Do not freak out about Helena in prison orange. Do not freak out about Bette’s double-take of a sunbathing Tina. Do not freak out about Jenny’s Season 1 hair. Do not freak out about the return of lothario Shane. Do not freak out about anything and everything about Alice. I hate to admit it, but Showtime is right. There’s no fighting it.

p.s. The song, for those who might wonder, is “Be Be Your Love” by Rachael Yamagata. Lovely, no?

Room 403

Oh, you knew I’d eventually get around to blogging about Natalie Portman naked. Yes, I downloaded, watched and rewatched “Hotel Chevalier,” the online prologue to Wes Anderson’s upcoming theatrical release “The Darjeeling Limited.” What, you haven’t heard about “Hotel Chevalier,” a.k.a. The Movie Where Natalie Portman Gets Naked? The bittersweet 13-minute short is available for free from iTunes and introduce us to Jason Schwartzman’s lovelorn character Jack (the youngest of the three brothers including Owen Wilson and Adrien Brody) as he has a tryst with his ex (played by Natalie) in a Paris hotel. But plot, schmot. Let’s get to the good stuff. [Note: If you didn’t like the Holly Hunter naked bits, you might want to stop reading right about now. No handcuffs this time, sadly. Click any of the images to enlarge. Oh, and these next two are NSFW, duh.]
Ok, so there it is. The much ballyhooed full-body naked shot is pretty much just an awkwardly-posed, carefully-covered side view. And, really, it’s not doing much for me. But, uh, this next shot? Well, this next shot is a different story. Hello.
For all the hoopla and fanboy drooling, the scene itself is actually remarkable restrained. And I’m actually kind of glad she didn’t show more. I don’t know, I still get kind of protective about Natalie. I distinctly remember seeing her in “The Professional” (or “Léon” for my French readers) and even at 26 she has a delicate pixie quality that makes me feel weird about lusting over her nekkidness. Even I have standards. Seriously, I do. Stop laughing.As for the film itself, I rather liked the quirky little short. It was oddly effective and strangely honest. Anyone who has ever had a post break-up hook-up will identify immediately with the sentiment:

Natalie: Whatever happens in the end, I don’t want to lose you as my friend.
Jason: I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

And my personal favorite:

Natalie: If we fuck, I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow.
Jason: That’s OK with me.

Go download it now for yourself. It’s free. It’s Natalie Portman naked. Geez, why are you still here?
p.s. Despite all the photographic evidence to the contrary, I am not really a butt woman. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a nice badonkadonk. But I prefer what is a little higher up. No, not those. The back. I love a woman’s back. If only they’d shown more of Natalie’s. Sigh.

Teenage. Lesbian. Werewolves.

I had considered letting the title speak for itself. But as OMGWTF awesome as it was, it also begged for further explanation. You see, there is actually a movie about teenage lesbian werewolves in the works. That’s right. I am no shitting you. Teenage lesbian werewolves. And it’s not some skeezy Skinemax soft-porn thing. It’s a real movie called “Jack & Diane.” It has a real director, Bradley Rust Gray, who made the 2003 indie film “Salt.” It has real actresses, Ellen Page from “Hard Candy” and “X:Men: The Last Stand” and Olivia Thirlby from “United 93” and “Juno” (which she co-starred in with Ellen). It’s like, real. I mean, even I couldn’t make up the synopsis. Seriously, I’m not that good. To wit:

“Jack and Diane, two teenage lesbians, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane’s charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack’s tough skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire occasionally turns her into a werewolf.”

OMGWTF, right? Sadly, according to Cinematical, the production has hit a roadblock in the money department. Apparently rich movie backers simply aren’t clamoring to get behind a movie about teenage lesbian werewolves. Teenage mutant ninja turtles, yes. Teenage lesbian werewolves, no. Come on, one is clearly more awesome than the other. Perhaps it would loosen up the purse strings some if they realized, as Ellen and Olivia told a reporter at the Toronto International Film Festival, that the werewolves were actually metaphorical. So, these are teenage lesbian metaphorical werewolves? Fine, as long as the mutant ninja turtles don’t show up I’m still on board. The director’s statement up at the official movie website clears things up, a little.

“My focus in making Jack & Diane is to carefully examine what happens when two young people fall in love for the first time …. I see Jack & Diane as an investigation of love. It’s unapologetically romantic. Love is the most instinctive way for us to understand other people regardless of cultural background, race, or sexuality. Everyone has the same desire to love and to be loved.”

OK, now I have to see this movie. Look, money people, a movie about a teenage heterosexual werewolf got made and did so well there was even a sequel. OK, the sequel was ill-advised. And, perhaps the original, too. But my point being that if you can werewolf up for Michael J. Fox, why not for “Jack & Diane?” Heck, I’ll even sing the little ditty for you, if you think it would help.p.s. After typing “teenage lesbian werewolves” about 500 times for this post, I’m scared to see what kind of crazy Google traffic I get today. Uh, hello, teenage lesbian werewolf fetish folks. I guess you’re welcome here as long as you don’t bite. I mean that literally, not metaphorically.