Last Spashley

Gosh, my high school days certainly were never like this. Not even close. Truth be told, I'm not sure how many people's actually were. But regardless its closeness to any of our realities, “South of Nowhere” is a reflection of our hopes. Fine, not the insane teenage drama. Or the crazy homophobic mom. Or the dolt of a brother. Or...look, you get what I'm driving at. In my high school I remember exactly one openly gay kid. And even that was more like a rumor. There were no out couples. And I suspect this is still the case in too many schools, large and small, across the country. Sure it's changing, but it can't change fast enough for every questioning teen out there wondering if she is the only one. Being able to find community online helps immensely. Still there is just something about seeing your lives, your hopes broadcast directly into your living room that makes you feel a little less lonely.

That's why we've all sat through dozens if not hundreds of excruciatingly bad lesbian movies. That's why we all watch and rewatch “The L Word” (well, that and Jennifer Beal's biceps). We want to see ourselves. We want to see our stories. And, fine, we want to see hot girls kissing. It's thankfully the one and only thing I have in common with frat boys everywhere.

[Girls and boys, you're gonna wanna click that.]

So starting Friday it will be bittersweet to watch the last eight episodes of “South of Nowhere.” The series will finish its run at the end of this its third season. Sure, the show wasn't perfect. And I fully admit to fast-forwarding to the Spashley stuff. Still I always marvel at the fact that it's on TV at all. And on a channel just for teenagers (yeah, I try to ignore that bit, too, since I'm embarrassingly outside of the demographic). So, what's up for our star-crossed lovebirds in these last few episodes? Drama. Temptation. And, yes, kissing. God bless television.

Everybody poops

Gosh, I've been talking about Fake Girlfriend No. 1 Tina Fey so much lately thanks to this wacky little thing we call the American democratic process that I've totally ignored Fake Girlfriend No. 2 Sarah Haskins. Please don't tell Sarah or our imaginary relationship could be in for a rough patch. And everyone knows make-believe couples therapy ain't cheap. Also, um, please don't bring up Tina. Whew, this juggling of fake girlfriends business is hard work.

Still with all this talk of fake feminism in politics, I thought we should address some fake feminism in marketing. And who better than my gal Sarah to set us straight, so to speak. So what's on the agenda today? Cleaning and poop. Strangely apropos, no?

First, Cleaning:

It's not a chore, it's a date!

Second, appropriately, Number Two:

A poopadox!

All that and a shower scene. Oh, Sarah, you'll always be my No. 2 with a bullet. And not in the gross “fiber” sense, either.

Better than ice cream

Lesbians love Sarah McLachlan. Through the years I've tried to dissect exactly why this is. I've listened to her crystalline voice for hours. I've stared into her big brown eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I've played my copies of “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” and “Surfacing” until they became the de facto soundtrack to my college years. And, in the end, I think I can sum it up in two words: Lilith Fair. Oh, come on, you know you were there. Hell, we probably ran into each other and didn't even know it.

What made Lilith Fair, and Sarah, so important is simple yet revolutionary. It wasn't just that women could make good music. It was that women who made good music were good business. This was girl power not in just an artificial made-by-marketers sense. This was women working together for the enjoyment of other women. It seems almost cliché now but then it was kind of awesome. And talk about your gay women's paradise. Take an Indigo Girls concert and multiply it by 1,000. Yeah, that kind of awesome.

So, it's with fond memories and a happy song in my heart that I welcome the release of Sarah's new greatest hits album today. “Closer: The Best of Sarah McLachlan” features 16 songs including two new tracks. And, best of all, I have five copies to give away. So if you want one, let me know in the comments (leave your email address, spelled out is fine) from now through Thursday. I'll pick the five winners at random on Friday.

While you're at it, if you want to share your favorite Sarah song or story, feel free. Oh, come on, you know you have one. In fact if you or your girlfriend or the friend you wish was your girlfriend haven't at some point drunken karaoked to “Adia” then you are either not really that gay or lying. I'm going with the latter.

p.s. Have you seen her in a bikini recently? I'm going to make that a second, one-word answer to why lesbians love Sarah McLachlan.

UPDATE: Entries are now closed. Thanks to all who entered. I'll post the winners Monday.

This one time, at maverick camp

Most Mondays suck. This Monday rocks. Why? Because it's filled with people I adore doing adorable things. Heck if all weeks started off like this they'd have to change the acronym to TGIM. Here are a few of my favorite ladies out and about recently. Some people believe in the power of positive thinking, I believe in the power of awesome women.

Jodie Foster at Target's AFI Night at the MoviesLuckiest. Dog. Ever.

Mary-Louise Parker at Read for the Record DayProof positive that reading makes you cuter.

Helen Mirren at the Crime Thriller AwardsOh, to really lock her up and throw away the key.

Salma Hayek on the German show “Wetten dass...?”I think I just swallowed my tongue.

Jennifer Beals at the Creative Arts Emmy AwardsNot adorable, just fucking hot.

Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live

If these get any better I might pass out from all the mavericky goodness. Tina Fey. Queen Latifah. Flutes. Winks. Mavericks. Everybody drink!

My Weekend Crush

I always wonder why Thandie Newton isn't a bigger star. Make no mistake, she is gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous that serves as a constant reminder that movie stars are in fact an entirely different species from us mere mortals. She is so exquisite that her diaphanous features seem almost sculpted. All that and she is immensely talented to boot. Watch “Beloved.” Watch “Crash.” Fine, don't watch “Mission: Impossible II.” Sadly her talents have too often been squandered in things like that horrid fat-suit movie at rhymes with “sherbet.” Still I'm intrigued to see how she portrays Condoleezza Rice in the upcoming “W.” And I'm more intrigued by her recent interview discussion of a teenage romance with one of her closest girlfriends where she said “I think falling in love is actually more about falling in love with an individual. We’re all potentially bisexual....I could’ve easily fallen in love with a woman over a man. My husband Ol’s kind of a man-woman. Look, I once loved Tim Curry, so there you go.” Well, who wasn't in love with Tim Curry? Particularly in lingerie. Happy weekend, all.

Eat, drink and be gay

Oh, my little loaves and ladles, it’s been too long without a tasty “Top Chef” tidbit. But, the oven bell has finally dinged and your generous serving of Padma & The TC Gang is ready to be devoured. The new cast of “Top Chef: New York” was revealed yesterday and yes – rest assured – there is a chefbian in the mix. Please meet Jamie Lauren. She has copious tattoos and a pendant shaped like a pretzel. Is it too soon to be smitten? Perhaps I should wait to see her food first.

The 30-year-old native New Yorker is the executive chef at Absinthe Brasserie & Bar in San Francisco. In a 2005 San Francisco Chronicle feature about her rising chef status, Jamie mentioned moving to the city with her girlfriend. Yet in a 2007 feature she talks about going to the Lex and Cat Club and the “totally hot waitress” elsewhere. So, you know, I'm just saying.

Via her Bravo profile her “favorite thing to eat is Indian food and she is obsessed with onions.” Via her restaurant profile she treats her staff “how I would want to be treated. No yelling, and a little dancing in the kitchen. Oh, and we burn incense to ward off the bad spirits.” And via her casting call interview with 7X7, guess who she wants to see as a guest judge: “Rachael Ray, just because I hate her.” Never mind the food. Hello, smitten.

Now, while Jamie is the only officially out female contestant, I am not above a quick gaydar spot check with the rest of the cast. The show also has two gay male chefs, a first in its five seasons.

[Click any and all to enlarge.]

As for the rest of the ladies, no one is confirmed, but let's play along anyway. Hey, I’m not saying they are. I’m just saying, you know, wishful pinging. (And to repeat, they’re – probably – totally not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being – probably – totally not gay…)

Lauren: Um, the hat. (She’s married*, but still – the hat).Carla: Funky glasses and great hair. (But she is, also, married*).Jill: The chef’s jacket and crossed arms are throwing me off.Fine, so my chefdar sucks. But we'll always have our mmm, Padma, mmm. And now, with knee-high boots.

Pack your knives and tune in Nov. 12. This is going to be delicious.

*Yes, to fellas. Hey, they can't help it; they were born that way.

American pie

Eight reasons I can't wait until 8 o'clock tonight:

Anna Friel (a.k.a. Chuck Charles)Kristin Chenoweth (a.k.a Olive Snook)[Click to embiggen my fuzzy math.]

And two more, just for good measure:

Swoosie Kurtz & Ellen Green (a.k.a. Lily and Vivian)

It's strange, but the closer tonight's premiere of “Pushing Daisies” gets the more I realize how much I've missed it's Dr. Seuss for adults approach to television. In its too-brief first season, it was a weekly reminder that we could all use a little more whimsy in our lives. And, gosh, who doesn't want a pint-sized Olive Snook of her very own? While it's practically sacrilege to say this with a cast so unassailably nice, I think I might actually be rooting for Olive. Not that I'm not rooting for Chuck. Oh, shucks. I'm rooting for everyone. Crap. There goes my misanthropic street cred. You won't tell anyone, will you? Though, if “Pushing Daisies” can't bring out your inner optimist, nothing will.

p.s. This is the moment I knew I was going to watch every single second of this show. Consider that birdhouse made.